Children make mistakes not because they are bad, but

because they lack knowledge or training.

For all of mankind, no matter where one is on the path, spiritual advancement

comes from improving one’s behavior. We do this by learning from our failures

as much as from our successes. Unfortunately, this process is often inhibited by

the idea that somehow we are not supposed to err. We grow up being scolded

for our mistakes by our parents. Some teachers ridicule and beat students when

they make mistakes. Supervisors yell at workers when they make a mistake.

No wonder many adults feel terrible when they make a mistake. Therefore, to

spiritually benefit from our mistakes, we need a new attitude toward them

which opens the door for insight, which leads to improvement. We can view

them instead as wonderful opportunities to learn. In disciplining our children, it

is important to focus on finding out what lack of knowledge or necessary training

caused their misbehavior and then providing them with the needed

guidance. This process can be understood in the light of desire, action

and wisdom. We desire that our children behave well, but if our actions

in correcting them create fear, resentment or feelings of inferiority, then

they will not improve and we will have subverted our goal. By treating

a child’s errant behavior as described above, we discover our own

wisdom in handling kids, and we help them grow to a healthy maturity,

equipped to guide their own children with love and wisdom.

Focus on solutions instead of punishment.

For some parents, disciplining their children for misbehavior is simply a

matter of punishment. But discipline means “to teach,” so punishment

misses the point if it is not accompanied by taking a moment to gently

teach and kindly help the child, to encourage, uplift and inspire. In

many cases the child who erred simply does not know or understand

something. Otherwise he never would have made the mistake. There

is some knowledge the child is missing, and thoughtful parents need

to figure out what that knowledge is and teach it to the child in a way

he or she can grasp and remember. This is a far more time-consuming

process than a swift slap on the behind, but leads to far more permanent

and positive results.

There are better forms of discipline than

corporal punishment and verbal abuse.

When children seriously misbehave,

punishment, of course, needs to

be part of the response. There are many forms of corporal or physical

punishment and verbal abuse: spanking, hitting, pinching, using

harsh or angry words. These all cause the child to become resentful

and fearful, and in this state of mind he is unable and unwilling to

focus on the lesson the parent intends to provide. Such punishments

inevitably create a distance between parent and child and lower the

child’s sense of self-worth. On the other hand, the alternative forms of

punishment—loving, positive strategies, such as time-out, logical consequences

and denial of privileges—are more effective and conducive

to the child’s learning the lesson from the experience, cooperating with

the parents in a wholesome way and not repeating the behavior again.

Teach children how they can wisely respond to

their mistakes through a four-step process.

The most common first reaction to making a mistake is to become

upset, get emotional about it or, if it is a serious mistake, to feel terribly

burdened and even depressed. That is a natural first reaction,

but if it is our only reaction, it is not enough. We need to cope with

the emotional reaction to the action and move on to the second step,

which is the learning stage.

A good second step to resolving a mistake is to think clearly about

what happened and why, and find a way to not repeat the same

error in the future. Perhaps we were not being careful enough, and

resolving to be more careful next time will prevent the problem from

recurring. Perhaps we were simply uninformed or we didn’t think

things through. But with the additional knowledge learned from our

blunder we can resolve to do better the next time a similar situation

arises. Perhaps we created unintended negative consequences for

ourselves or others. Now that we are aware of those consequences,

we certainly won’t follow that path again. Recently a group of children

in Australia started a fire in a small forest where several innocent

people were seriously burned. The children were caught, and as

part of their discipline the judge directed them to visit the victims in

the hospital to see the consequences of their actions. This impressed

them deeply. By evaluating such situations and committing to a new

approach, we are able to teach young ones to move from regretting “I

shouldn’t have done it” to pledging “I won’t do it again.”

A third step may be needed if our mistake directly involved other

people. Perhaps we have hurt their feelings or created a strain between

us. A personal apology can fix this if we know them well. However, in

many situations we are not close enough to the individual to verbally

apologize. In that case, a generous act can adjust the flow of feelings

back into a harmonious condition. For example, children can be taught

to include those they have hurt or offended among a group of friends

invited to a party or with whom they share some cookies or candy.

A fourth step may be needed if the mistake is a major misdeed, for

example, if we did something that was dishonest. In this case, even if

we resolve to not repeat the misdeed and apologize to those involved,

we may still feel bad about having done it. In this case we need to perform

some form of penance, prayashchitta, to rid ourself of the sense

of feeling bad about our actions. Typical forms of penance for adults are

fasting, performing 108 prostrations before the Deity or walking prostrations

up a sacred path or around a temple. These are too severe for

younger children, but they can do simpler penances such as skipping

dessert one meal or renouncing a favorite TV program one night.

Help your children perfect the art of

learning quickly from mistakes.

The spiritual path is a series of experiences, and sometimes those

experiences are mistakes that we make. If we teach our children to be

self-reflective, they can learn from their mistakes quickly, avoid making

them again and progress more quickly on the spiritual path. If children

are constantly making the same mistakes over and over and over again,

they are not making good progress. This is something for parents to

be alert to, for it is parents who can set the patterns for resolution of

karmas in their kid’s lives.

 

(The Blog  is reverently for all the seekers of truth, lovers of wisdom and   to sharethe Hindu Dharma with others on the spiritual path and also this is purely  a non-commercial)