Hindu Samskriti - Family Life And Culture -2
Posted in Labels: Hindu Samskriti - Family Life And Culture -2
Family Life
And Culture
The
Diaspora Adjusts: The
picture, however, is bleaker in the
diaspora, where immigrants struggle with the
beliefs they grew
up with and the pressures of their new
environment. Most manage
to keep the hospitality intact for family and
close friends.
Some go to extraordinary lengths, sponsoring
relatives and even
opening up their homes to them till they get
settled.
The Gujarati community is particularly strong
in this respect,
and many continue to live in large, extended
families abroad.
This sense of caring is extended to the
entire community and,
in fact, many Patels have managed to do so
well in the motel
business because of their unity and financial
support of friends
and relatives. No wonder the Gujaratis
command a whopping
portion of the motel industry. They are
well-trained in the ways
of hospitality, for as one of the successful
hoteliers, H.P. Rama,
affirms, “We Indians believe the guest is
God.”
Mitesh Patel, who lives in Edison, New Jersey,
came to the
US when he was 15, so he has seen life on both continents. Now
24, he believes that Hindu hospitality has lessened in the US,
Canada and the UK,
but not in India:
“I believe the reason is
quite simple. NRI s are busy making big bucks
in these countries.
Sometimes even family members don’t see each
other for a few
days because they are busy working, so they
feel that it’s hard to
accommodate a guest.”
Indeed, living abroad, notions of hospitality
do undergo a
change. Also, abroad, one would never dream
of dropping in
on acquaintances without calling ahead. This
is a culture where
even children do not just play but have
organized “play dates”
scheduled out weeks in advance.
Indians living abroad do have to contend with
housework, their
jobs and the daily commute, all without the
support of extended
family or domestic helpers. So their
standards of hospitality have
diminished. Some compromise, putting guests
in hotels or taking
shortcuts in their care. Truly generous
hospitality in any society
or home depends on the strength, integrity
and security of the
family unit.
Changing
Attitudes: Summer, especially,
means an endless barrage
of guests from India and points in the diaspora.
Homes become
as crowded as the Grand Central Terminal, and
hosts are
faced with a multitude of tasks. As one
exhausted woman, whose
house was full of summer guests, told me,
“Houseguests are like
fish: after three days, they stink.”
She didn’t know it, but this adage appeared
in the 1736 edition
of Poor Richard’s Almanac by Benjamin Franklin, one of America’s
founding fathers. He said, precisely, “Fish
and houseguests
stink after three days.” The statement, and
the attitude behind
And it’s not just an American trait.
Shakespeare wrote with a similar
attitude in King Henry VI, Part I, “Unbidden guests are often
welcomest when they are gone.” In all
fairness, there are many
hospitable Americans and Britishers, but
offering hospitality is
not the religious obligation it is for
Hindus. It is also relevant that,
in the Hindu village, true strangers were
served on the porch, or
even at the compound gate, in order to
preserve the sanctity and
safety of the home.
While the pressures of life in the West are
there for the hosts,
to some extent their attitudes have also
changed. The rhythms
of the place where you live impact you.
Leading frenetic lives
in the West, people tend to become more
brusque, more cynical.
Like Franklin,
they begin to regard the guest as an unwelcome
nuisance. Standards of hospitality are indeed
changing, and one
wonders how far we should embrace
modernization at the expense
of true hospitality?
What
to Do? Gurudeva once observed,
“The guest is God, not
an intruder. All Hindus have a heart to
receive the guest as God.
This is very important for us to remember,
because guests come
and guests go. Often, guests come and never
come back, because
of subtle inflections in the voice, because
it was forgotten to
serve even a glass of water, which is
traditional in Hindu culture.
The guest is God, not an intruder. When
someone steps up to you,
drop your work. People are more important
than paper. People
are more important than giving oneself to the
computer. People
are more important than anything else. People
are the working
out of your karma.”
Yes, it may help to remember an old Indian
saying: Dane dane
pe likha hai khane wale ka naam—“On each grain is written the
name of the eater.” The people who turn up on
your doorstep
are meant to be there, part of your karma,
part of the big cosmic
play. Of course, it’s hard to see it quite
that way when you are
under stress at work and still have to
produce dinner for your
guests by 7:00 pm!
For Hindus caught in the modern world of
hurry and scurry,
it would be good to reaffirm their duty
toward guests and to
refresh their memories on how to be perfect
hosts—and perfect
guests. There is etiquette for both roles,
and if each plays his part
well, the whole experience can be rewarding.
Hosts should give of themselves with a
generous and open
heart, exerting every effort to make their
visitors’ stay a memorable
one, where the kindnesses and warmth are
vast, even if the
budget is tight. They should do all they can
to entertain and help
visitors in a new and bewildering place.
Guests should attempt to be considerate,
informing their hosts
of their length of stay in advance. They
should pick up after
themselves and not add to the harried
hostess’ tasks. Bringing
small gifts for the family members,
entertaining the children or
perhaps offering to take the family out to
dinner are practical
and appreciated gestures.
Hospitality is a virtue that has many
benefits for the receiver
and the giver, as these small kindnesses
smooth social connections
and build relations. It also shows the next
generation the
way to continue the beliefs of our ancestors.
And of course, often
the shoe is on the other foot—and the host
himself becomes a
guest. So he should treat his guests as he
himself would like to
be treated.
There are so many stories of God Vishnu
himself donning
beggar’s raiment and coming to the door for
alms. So, the next
time the doorbell rings, welcome your guests
with an open heart.
Look beyond the facial features, the clothing
and the physical
bodies into the eternal soul which glows
within each of us like
the purest of gold. This is the Self that
scripture says is immortal,
the one that water cannot wet, sword cannot
cut nor fire burn.
And so, bending low, with folded hands,
welcome the divine
Paramatma, the God who is within each of us.
The author, Lavina
Melwani,
a popular free-lance correspondent,
was born in Sindh, grew up in New Delhi and has lived
in Hong
Kong and Africa.
She currently resides in New York
with her husband
and two children. T. H.
Chowdary, Information
Technology
Advisor: Government of Andhra Pradesh,
contributed to this article.
Tips for Being a Good Guest
Aguest may be anyone from
a close relative to a total stranger,
and rules naturally vary accordingly.
What is summarized here is for
a visitor somewhere between the two
extremes.
Arrival:
It is traditional that a
guest
need not inform a host of his impending
arrival. However, in today’s busy
world, more and more often guests do
give advance notice. The host may insist
that no advance notice is necessary,
and close friends or relatives may even
take advance notice as an affront, a
disturbing sign that all may not be well
with the relationship.
Duration:
It is very impolite of
the
host to ask how long the guest is staying.
But, as a guest, you should convey
this information in an casual manner.
In a gesture of hospitality, the host will
naturally retort that you should really
stay much longer.
Gifts:
Gifts are always given
to hosts
by guests when staying overnight in
a home. The value of the gift varies
greatly, of course, depending on the
guest’s circumstances and resources.
It is proper to give a separate gift for
the wife and the husband. The wife
receives the nicest item. Small items
should also be given for the children. In
Sri
Lanka, giving goes the other way as
well. It is common for the host to give a
gift to the guest, especially those poorer.
Helping:
In a home without
servants,
considerate guests can help with housework
and chores, as well as care for
their quarters, even if the host insists it
is not necessary. You can also help with
cooking, as well as invite your hosts out
for a meal.
Graciousness:
It is an insult to
refuse
any offered drink or food. Blend
into the family’s rhythms. Be a genuine
friend, taking real interest in the
family’s life and treating the children
lovingly, as you would your own. Conversely,
one should not meddle in family
affairs, nor later make unflattering
observations to others about one’s hosts.
Thanks:
After returning home,
remember
to send a warm and sincere
thank-you letter, hand-written, mentioning
some specific detail of your
visit that you most appreciated
Honing the Art of Hosting
Hosting is more an attitude
than a set of practices.
The perfect host is truly
open to guests and honestly delighted
with their presence. That
said, here are some specifics to
keep your hosting up to par.
Welcome:
Greet the guest with
namaskara, invite him cheerfully
into the house. Invite him to sit
comfortably in the best surroundings.
Speak pleasantly to him, inquiring
about his welfare.
Refreshments:
Always offer the
guest something to eat and drink.
Usually tea or juice is served, along
with snacks. At least a glass of water
is offered (with a smile and
apology).
Hosting:
Guests who are members
of the extended family will just
fit in to the family routine. When
a bit more formality is called for,
the father, if present, will speak
with the guest. If not present, the
mother and a son will fulfill this
role, and if no son is present, the
mother may act as hostess, but
only with the accompaniment of
someone close to the family. The
children may go off to play among
themselves, stay with the adults or
come and go.
Wife
Home Alone: If
the lady of
the house is home alone and a
male visitor comes to see her husband,
it is not proper for her to invite
him in, or for him to expect to
enter. Rather, he will leave a message
and depart.
Punctuality:
Life is generally
more relaxed in the East than
in the West. A good guideline is
to not be surprised or offended
if your guest arrives late or early.
However, be punctual in your own
engagements, as this is appreciated.
Duration
of Stay: It
is quite impolite
to ask a guest how long he intends
to stay, but it is good protocol
for guests to make their plans and
itinerary known from the outset.
Goodbyes:
Always see your guest
to his transport, and wave and
watch until they are out of sight.
The Holy Kural on Hospitality
T he south indian ethical masterpiece,
Tirukural, composed in Tamil
couplets by Saint Tiruvalluvar
(ca
200 bce), devotes an entire chapter to hospitality.
This sagely compendium of practical
advice, called “a bible on virtue for the
human race,” is so pithy, so profound and so
sacred that it is sworn upon today in South
Indian courts. Here now are verses 81 to 90.
The whole purpose of earning
wealth and maintaining a home is
to provide hospitality to guests.
When a guest is in the home, it is
improper to hoard one’s meal, even if it
happens to be the nectar of immortality.
If a man cares daily for those who
come to him, his life will never suffer
the grievous ruin of poverty.
Wealth’s Goddess dwells in the
hospitable home of those who host
guests with a smiling face.
If a man eats only after attending to
guests’ needs, what further sowing
will his fertile fields require?
The host who, caring for guests,
watches hopefully for more, will
himself be a welcomed guest of
those whose home is Heaven.
Charity’s merit cannot be measured
by gifts given. It is measured by
measuring the receiver’s merits.
Those who never sacrifice to care
for guests will later lament: “We
hoarded wealth, estranged ourselves,
now none will care for us.”
The poverty of poverties is having plenty
yet shunning guests. Such senselessness
is only found in senseless fools.
The delicate anicham flower withers
when merely smelled, but an unwelcome
look is enough to wither a guest’s heart.
Om Tat Sat
(Continued...)
(My
humble salutations to Sadguru Sri Sivaya
Subramuniyaswami
ji, Hinduism Today dot com for the collection)
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